There are certain moments in life that we will forever remember the exact details of where we were when the information was delivered to us. My memories are still vivid of where I was when I heard the news of the Oklahoma bombing, Princess Diana's death, the tragedy of 9/11 and the Berlin Wall coming down.
And most recently, the day I found out my mother has cancer.
The new year is for new beginnings, a fresh start, a time to let go of past mistakes and forgotten promises and start again with a clear outlook on what comes next.
New Years has always carried a cynical sense of loss for me. Many years ago I met my now ex-husband on New Year's Eve. It was a magical time in my life and I've allowed this memory to inflate itself in my mind's eye. So much so that nothing has ever been able to carry as much significance to replace that memory. So I tend to give New Years more validity than it deserves. I'm constantly waiting and wishing for some spectacular event to dislodge this New Year's Eve recollection and swap it out with something that doesn't make me wax poetic for a relationship that was never as good as I remember it to be.
Well, you've heard the saying - be careful what you wish for.
I was sitting on my bed in the middle of the afternoon on New Year's Eve, anxiously waiting to ring in a new decade. Clothes were strewn about as I weighed my different outfit options for the evening festivities.
The phone rang.
My mom's shaky voice came on the line. I knew she had been to the doctor that morning. There had been a lot of doctor's appointments in the few weeks prior. But she was never in any pain, never complained. So I never went there in my mind. I never imagined what was coming next.
"They found a mass. It's cancer."
I froze. My mouth went dry. My heart beat so fast I feared my breath wouldn't keep up. My hands shook with confusion. Instantly my mind was filled with millions of questions, yet I found no words to speak them. No words of comfort came from my lips. I uttered no words of fear or support.
I finally choked out a hoarse whisper of "I have to go". I hung up and sat there. I didn't cry. That would come a few days later as the processing took full effect. I just sat there frozen in the moment, thinking a thousand thoughts but not able to focus on one of them. After awhile, I called my mom back. I told her I loved her and we'd all figure this out together. Then I muttered something to the effect that I couldn't believe the doctor would deliver such devastating news on New Year's Eve. What was he thinking?
My mom didn't miss a beat. She said, "Finally you have something else to think of on New Year's Eve besides that ex-husband of yours!" No doubt she's always been the cup is half full kind of lady! Although - she is the one that introduced me to him on that night so many years ago. I just didn't think it was appropriate to bring all that up at this particular moment.
My mom didn't miss a beat. She said, "Finally you have something else to think of on New Year's Eve besides that ex-husband of yours!" No doubt she's always been the cup is half full kind of lady! Although - she is the one that introduced me to him on that night so many years ago. I just didn't think it was appropriate to bring all that up at this particular moment.
She is an incredibly strong and positive woman. She has never once acted defeated. From the moment cancer entered our world, she made the conscious decision to fight. I love that about her. I am in awe of her steadfast determination and strength. Whenever I feel doubt creeping in, I just look at her and we smile and I am reassured that this is a family fight we all intend to win. I find it so amazing that all this is happening to her, yet she can still find a way to comfort her child. It forces me to dig deeper to find my own strength.
When I talk with her I am full of hope and support. I make her laugh and focus on happy things. It's when I am alone that the panic blankets my being. The tears spring to my eyes, the fears creep into my every thought and my body aches with helplessness.
It's been a month and my life has been forever changed. I often haven't found the words to tell many of my friends. I can see the confusion in their eyes when I distance myself or show unfounded flashes of anger. The unconditional support from family and friends that do know, has been heart filled and comforting. While some have chosen to stay away instead of asking what has obviously changed in my world, I actually understand.
Because what I am learning is that this isn't about them, or me. It is about my mother and making sure she's still around next New Year's Eve.
Because what I am learning is that this isn't about them, or me. It is about my mother and making sure she's still around next New Year's Eve.
And her fight has only just begun.
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6 COMMENTS:
I was getting into bed when I turned ont he news and saw Diana had died. I heard about the Berlin Wall while walking to class. I was warming up my car in the driveway to leave for work when the second tower was hit. I was sitting in my over-stuffed chair, staring numbly at my TV while my parents told me over the phone that my mother's cancer was terminal. You're absolutely right. It's something that will never be forgotten.
I know this must be hard for you.
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. Just know others others care.
Kimber (and family), I am so very sorry to hear that this much too common fight has now become yours! Your Mom is strong, and an awesome woman - I know that together you will fight this! Know that I/we are here and thinking about you all! Please keep us informed, and absolutely let us know if there's anything we can do, in any way!
Couple of items of advice that you already probably know but are great reminders.
1. Make sure you stay healthy during this period. That will be a sign of strength to your mother...Google "MIRROR CELLS" and there is scientific proof of this.
2. Times like this not only test the character of your friends but will also reveal it! Some friends, out of fear, will isolate themselves, some will be overbearing to help....those are the ones to stick by.
3. You will hear the saying"LET ME KNOW IF I CAN DO ANYTHING OR HELP etc etc". This is a trite phrase that people say because they do not know what to say. Expect some people NOT to do anything when you ask.
4. Try to watch George Carlin's last concert with your mother. It will absolutely make her laugh because he as such a wild perspective on matters like these that will lighten your load
Great advice and your insightful wisdom is spot on. I've learned more about my friends during this difficult time than I ever expected to. Unexpected bonds formed in the rarest of places, while ones I thought the strongest, simply melted away.
Try not to be hard on the ones that melted away.....it is really that they do not want to experience what you are going through out of fear. Lets face it, when you ask"why did you never call" and the person retorts,"I was really busy", honestly that person has 20 seconds in there day for a quick call......they just fear that the same could happen to them to a parent, loved one.
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